Momma’s Battles

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Since I began writing this blog, I’ve shared with you the trials and tribulations of my life. My job, my family, autism…these are all threads in the fabric of my life. I supply you with witty quips and random curse words and all in all, it’s a decent package. But it’s not all laughter, sarcasm and witty banter. Sometimes, the truth that is my life is far from entertaining.

But today, I will share with you some of the battles that I face. A glimpse into Momma’s world. The good, the bad, the shitty.

I wake up before the sun most days. I have two alarms that go off, five minutes apart. I sleepily shut them off, sure that there must be some mistake because it can’t possibly be morning already. I close my eyes and think of any and all possible excuses I can give to not get out of bed. I think about the long path of bullshit I have to wade through that day and honestly, for a minute, I think about just saying no. No. I will not get up. I will not get you ready for school. I will not go to work. I just won’t. No.

But then I realize that I can’t say no. I can’t give up. Because my littles need me. I’m their mom and it’s my job to take care of them and make sure they have what they need. So I muster up the strength to get out of bed. But every single day, I have that momentary pity party in my head. Getting out of bed is the first battle of the day I face.

Another battle I face every day, is Littlest. My poor, sweet Littlest. He’s such a beautiful boy with a beautiful soul. But he’s angry. And he’s frustrated. He can’t tell me why and believe me, I try as hard as I can to understand. I offer him things that I think he wants. I encourage him to use his words because I know they are in there somewhere. But he screams. And he cries. And he hits himself. And it makes me want to scream and cry. I want so desperately for him to be able to communicate with me and for him to just let me in. Let me into his world and for him to know that I’m his mom and I’m here to help him. I know that he’s knows I’m “mom”, but I don’t think he understands that. Every time I tell him I love him, he responds with “see you tomorrow”, as part of our bedtime routine. I love this boy so much and I just want to understand what he’s going through. I want to understand what he can’t tell me. Honestly, it breaks my heart daily.

Then there is my job. I work in a restaurant and sadly that doesn’t mean bankers hours. I often go to work as early as nine am and don’t get home until nine pm. There are many days where I only get to see my family for a few hours a day. I frequently miss dinner time and bed time and it sucks. It’s hard on them and me. But, I have a job and THAT is the silver lining.

That brings us to Saturday’s. Saturday is my only day off, and I try to cram as much shit as possible into one day. Laundry, cleaning, errands, family time. It’s impossible, but I do my best. I also try to relax but honestly with my schedule, “me time” is pretty much non existent. I squeeze it in when I can though. All I can say is thank goodness for wifi and iPads. And coffee. Omg coffee…if it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t be the semi functional human being that I am. Coffee is the stuff of greatness.

At the end of the day, all I can do is try my best. Sometimes even my best is pretty shitty. But I’m human and that’s really all any of us can do. I have days filled with laughter and days filled with sadness and sometimes days filled with a mixture of the two. Some days I have a million ideas of things to write about and other days I’m in a terrible mood and can’t think of anything. I’m a klutz on the seesaw of life, what can I say?

I do enjoy writing this blog and I’ve missed it terribly. I’m going to make a conscious effort to make time to write, because it really is a fabulous outlet for me. Anyone who knows me personally knows that I’m fluent in sarcasm and profanity. It would be criminal for that not to be shared with the world 🙂

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